Anyone who has known me for more than five minutes knows that I don’t drink water. I hate water. I have tried on at least four occasions to start drinking water. Each attempt has failed. I will not drink it on a plane. I will not drink it in the rain. I do not like you, H2O. Etc. Etc. On a select few occasions I will drink water purely for survivial:

1. While hiking in the Negev Desert
2. While hanging out in Las Vegas (also a desert, for those keeping score at home)
3. While playing a live poker session or live tournament
4. While at the spa
5. On a plane (okay, so I lied earlier. that was poetic license)

When I was a small child, I was playing in a sandbox having a pretend tea party. I accidentally swallowed some of the sand in my pretend teacup. When a supervising adult rushed me to the bathroom to help me rinse the four ounces of sand from my mouth, I refused the Dixie Cup of water and demanded apple juice. While my mouth was full of sand.

Imagine how upset I was when I discovered I was supposed to drink 8 glasses of water a day. For years I have been subject to horrified looks and social ostracization because of my aversion to drinking water. Regardless of what you freaks say, no, water does NOT taste good and does NOT taste like nothing. It tastes like horrible chemicals and rusty pipes, and if it’s not ice cold then it tastes like tepid rusty pipes.

But there is hope!

While adequate water is essential to health, it is possible to drink too much water or any other beverage, and there has been considerable scientific debate surrounding how much water a person really needs per day. According to Snopes http://www.snopes.com/medical/myths/8glasses.asp – the Los Angeles Times has reported that “Kidney specialists do agree on one thing, however: that the 8-by-8 rule is a gross overestimate of any required minimum. To replace daily losses of water, an average-sized adult with healthy kidneys sitting in a temperate climate needs no more than one liter of fluid…the equivalent of about four 8-ounce glasses. According to most estimates, that’s roughly the amount of water most Americans get in solid food. In short, though doctors don’t recommend it, many of us could cover our bare-minimum daily water needs without drinking anything during the day.”

So NOW what you’re telling me is that I’ve been right all along, and drinking water is entirely senseless. All of you creeps who mocked me at restaurants and marathons* can kiss my taught, smooth, ass (which was cultivated with Coca-Cola, coffee, and the water in my solid food).

Vive la resistence! Bitches!

Poker stories are boring. They are all the fricking same. Every time I sit down at a table in Vegas, or Atlantic City, or a home game in New York, I hear the same goddamn stories over and over again. People, there just aren’t that many different ways to get bad beat. There just aren’t that many exciting drawouts.

You know what else isn’t entertaining anymore? Mronos analyzing hands in the online chat box on [insert poker site here] dot net. No, you were *not* getting two to one on your money. No, putting all your chips in on a draw, hitting it, and taking down a huge pot does *not* mean you put the other player in his/her place and that you are a poker genius/god/professional. No, I will *not* transfer a dollar into your account.

In short, I still enjoy playing poker and taking money from people. I enjoy pitting my intellect against others and earning a tidy profit despite the swings introduced by luck. But sometimes the day-to-day nonsense just gets to me. My next trip is going to be to FARGO to defend my heads up title. It’s not until October, but I know it will get me fired up about poker again. I may take a break between now and then to recharge my batteries. September is going to be all about starting school again, visiting parks and museums, getting away for Labor Day, writing, scrapbooking, and enjoying the company of friends and family. Dot net.
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Two very fun home games this week. First I gave a poker lesson to my friend Abby, her boyfriend Jess, and a few others on Wednesday night. Aside from giggling and cracking wise, we managed to talk a bit of poker strategy. Both Abby and Jess were excellent students, so watch out for them at the tables! Abby in particular is very aggressive. Hide your wallets.

The biggest pot of the night was between this guy Jeff and me. We both flopped a set, and unfortunately unlike Gus Hansen I didn’t hit my magical one-outer. Fortunately I only lost about five bucks, rather than 300K. And I still quit the game winner – up a whopping $7. at stakes of $0.25/$.50 that’s not too shabby!

Last night I went to a new home game on the Upper East Side. For some reason, after watching me teach poker for three hours the night before, Jess thought it would be a good idea to invite me. This was a NLHE cash game, which is just about my least favorite form of poker to be honest, but I like to practice it from time to time. I also think it’s important to sit down and practice playing against new opponents in a live game.

The level of skill varied. We were seven players, and the stakes were $.50/$1 with a $40 initial buy-in. The action turned serious on about the second hand when Helen (who may very well be my long lost twin based on her personality and playing style) raised in early position to $6. This quickly became the standard pre-flop raise. Right away I liked this game because the players were actually pretty solid and knew what they were doing, but they were all pretty easy to read and no one was aggressive enough to push me out of a pot (although who on this planet is, really?). In short the game was on, and the game was goooood.

Not getting much done in toureys lately. I’ve cashed in a few of the big Sunday tourneys, but only enough to get my buy-in back and get pissed off that once again, I didn’t win $175K. The play in these tourneys, especially the Party one, is gloriously poor, and every week so far I’ve been gifted a giant stack very early on, only to have it torn away from me by the same morons, only this time sucking out on me with hands like AJ when I have AK and they call for all their money. Newsflash, donkeys: AJ is not a good hand to call your whole stack with when I have you outchipped. You’re not ahead. Ever.

Just two months until FARGO! My heads up title is on the line. Come and get it, people!
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