Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…undermats

What’s a six-letter word for “person Jodi would like to punch in the face?” Answer: M-A-R-T-H-A. More specifically, one Martha Stewart, whose show I had the strange fortune of experiencing last week. Through the marvels of Facebook, one of her producers “discovered” me when searching the social network for people who do the New York Times crossword puzzle on a regular basis. Now, you all know that Martha’s is the last show taped in this city that I would want to attend. Mostly because of the face punching. But this producer lured me with the enticing possibility of seeing Mr. Will Shortz, and maybe snagging some free puzzle books to feed my habit. So I packed up my holy water, spritzed myself with some garlic, and headed over to Chelsea for a taping of the Martha Stewart Show.

First I was blatantly onced-over by the production team, who strategically place audience members based on appearance using a system of color-coded markings (possibly adapted from those used at Ellis Island – a red X for conjunctivitis, a blue dot for mismatched shoes and purse. All of the markers were pastel. (Of course.)

Next to the staging area, where a sweaty man in a purple dress shirt had the sad job of getting everyone psyched up for the show. To be fair, I think everyone else there was genuinely already psyched up for the show. So mostly he was there for me, I guess. Everyone else was just about fainting with excitement. I felt like the only vegetarian at the Dinosaur BBQ.

Next to the set, which is admittedly extremely cool. I am a sucker for behind-the-scenes, “how’d-they-do-it” stuff, and so seeing all the production equipment and how they set up the segments was fascinating. Even more fascinating? Between segments, Martha apparently likes her guests to jam out to Eminem, Linkin Park, and gangsta rap. I even caught her tapping her manicured fingers on her freshly-pressed pantsuit between takes. Maybe she picked up a taste for these artists during her time behind bars. (Did I say bars? I’m sorry, I meant Connecticut estate formerly owned by Henry Ford. Martha made sure to remind us of that during the taping.)

The most important thing I learned was that, if you are going to attend the taping of a show, make damn sure it is a show you are actually interested in watching. Otherwise, prepare to muster a LOT of enthusiasm. And if it’s Martha’s show, make sure you follow the pre-show email’s detailed instructions on appropriate audience attire. Ladies must wear heels. Even though your feet will never appear on television.

This man could have been our president:
An excerpt from Al Gore’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech:

When we unite for a moral purpose that is manifestly good and true, the spiritual energy unleashed can transform us. The generation that defeated fascism throughout the world in the 1940s found, in rising to meet their awesome challenge, that they had gained the moral authority and long-term vision to launch the Marshall Plan, the United Nations, and a new level of global cooperation and foresight that unified Europe and facilitated the emergence of democracy and prosperity in Germany, Japan, Italy and much of the world. One of their visionary leaders said, “It is time we steered by the stars and not by the lights of every passing ship.”

…

The great Norwegian playwright, Henrik Ibsen, wrote, “One of these days, the younger generation will come knocking at my door.”

The future is knocking at our door right now. Make no mistake, the next generation will ask us one of two questions. Either they will ask: “What were you thinking; why didn’t you act?”

Or they will ask instead: “How did you find the moral courage to rise and successfully resolve a crisis that so many said was impossible to solve?”

We have everything we need to get started, save perhaps political will, but political will is a renewable resource. So let us renew it, and say together: “We have a purpose. We are many. For this purpose we will rise, and we will act.”

Instead…we got the man who said all of these things:

The following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush:

Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

And we got him twice.